Living within layers. Layers upon layers. Multiple dimensions all simultaneously coexisting in one moment of recordable time, which wouldn’t even exist without the capacity to recall experiences with one’s own memory. Possibilities, probabilities, infinite decisions and paths. Making decisions based on the awareness of the past, present, and possible futures. Trying to make sense of it all. All the while, begging the Universe/God to provide enough colorful paper for me to pay my rent and bills for the month. Isn’t life lovely?
With the vast amount of energy that I’ve put into researching, and all the data I’ve collected from personal experiences with the nature of reality, you’d think I’d be able to create a fairly stable and secure life for myself, within the boundaries of the matrix game. And yet… that is definitely not the case, at the moment. For many reasons, I can’t seem to focus my intentions enough to create something lasting or substantial for myself. Which is kind of very frustrating, I must say.
What’s the point of having all of this knowledge and understanding about the hidden things of the universe under my belt, if I have to continuously rely on other kind souls to help me survive for another month? Independence runs deep in my veins, yet I constantly sabotage my own desire for that. I have a job (and am working on getting another), but I still feel as though I’m barely managing to keep it together. I’m aware that my mental state has a lot to do with this. And I am finding it near impossible to rise above my own personality weaknesses.
Sometimes I feel as if there’s a bigger purpose to my life. Like there is something ‘outside of me’ leading me in a specific direction. But is that true? What are feelings, anyway? Do they hold any weight, so to speak? Is it just wishful thinking on my part, because this world seems so meaningless and boring to me, and my mind has to come up with a way to justify my continued existence on this timeline?
I sometimes ask for guidance, help, and direction whenever I feel stuck and I don’t know what else to do. And synchronicities occasionally appear (as if in direct connection with my prayers) like they are trying to lead me along the right path, or letting me know to keep going. But I can’t help but wonder if there really is something out there helping me (god, angels, spirit guides, altruistic consciousnesses who like helping humans, my ‘higher self’) or if it’s really just my own mind power creating these strange synchronistic occurrences. And am I really being offered assistance or am I just giving my life its own meaning, and nothing really matters in the bigger picture? Which is really depressing when I think about it for too long, lol. Because something inside me longs for purpose. Why??? If that longing would go away, then I wouldn’t suffer as I do. Fucking needy soul. If I don’t have a purpose for being here, then why does that feeling even exist? So weird.
And why can’t I seem to create positive change for myself and others on a larger scale, like I desire to? Helplessness is a constant feeling for me. Or is it? Being an Empath, it makes me wonder if it’s me who is feeling helpless, or if I’m just picking up on the general helpless emotions that the humans around me are projecting. Which doesn’t really matter, because I feel them as my own anyway. It’s so ridiculous, lol. Why do I have to be so aware of myself and everyone around me?
So what is it all about? I just want to win the lotto and not have to worry about the damn monetary system. Then, I could help my loved ones out, which would make me feel amazing, and this life would be infinitely more exciting and fun to me. If anyone outside of this dimension is listening, make this happen, please. 🙂 Thanks.